The Arbitrary Movie Awards of 2015 pt. 2

This is only the second part to the first time I’m doing this but I’m already changing it up, instead of just talking about the winners I’m gonna try to outline criteria for why they are winners and how the other nominees didn’t quite make the cut. Warning now, I may go into a full blown rant so just bear with me.

Most Whatever Movie of the Year

Nominees: Bridge of Spies, Cinderella,  Steve Jobs

What does it mean to be the most whatever film of the year? Simple, it is to bland, boring, and offer nothing new or interesting to me. These are films that at first glance I thought, “Now this could be really good!” Then I go and see them and realize, “Oh, They’re just ok”

Steve Jobs was just about the perfect personification of that sentiment. The career of Steve Jobs has everything you need to make a truly amazing movie, what Hollywood’s second attempt at bringing the late Apple co-founder’s life to the big screen offered instead was an endless amount of dialogue for the viewer to trudge through. Frankly without Micheal Fassbender keeping slightly interested with his portrayal of Jobs this movie would have been a shoe-in.

On the note of Singular actor’s carrying a film Bridge of Spies was in the same boat as Steve Jobs as it was forced to rely on Tom Hanks being… well Tom Hanks in order to keep me from dozing off while watching. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised though since his character James Donovan is basically just an ordinary lawyer who happens to possess a very strong desire to do what is right (rare for a lawyer am i right? Classic!) and is forced into extraordinary circumstances via negotiating the trade for a captured American pilot in the Cold War. That should be exciting! It isn’t though, because you just know everything is going to go Donovan’s way since he’s portrayed as the ideal American citizen and you can’t have someone like that lose in an American film, unless you like want to be a commercial failure.

These other two films are definitely  mediocre movies that happened to have a great performance there to keep them afloat, but our winner who is just the start of the most unnecessary trend of live action re-makes of Disney Classics is everything the other nominees are (Boring films that do nothing noteworthy or interesting or even try to give audiences a truly new perspective.) but without the spectacular performance to keep me interested. I guess I’m glad this movie exists since it gave Richard Madden another paycheck since he’s not getting one from HBO anytime soon (Spoilers ho!) Seriously though, what does this movie do that the animated movie release in 1950 didn’t have? I swear if you tell me something ridiculous like how it gave you a new perspective on the evil stepmother know that this is what I’m doing in your face.  This is basically how this scene plays out.

Cinderella: “Why do you hate me so much?”

Stepmother: “Because you are young and innocent and good! and I…. (Shuts door and locks it.)

Wait a second… That is actual dialogue from this movie. the stepmother does everything except directly confess to simply being evil and hating Cinderella for being good.

Tomorrow I talk about good movies finally. Peace out.

 

 

 

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